When It Can Be Worth It to Fall off the Horse

Day 14

Kandamodara, Sri Lanka

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.
― Gautama Buddha

For the past 3-4 weeks I have been living a bit of a “double-life” I suppose, not being perfectly truthful, but also not necessarily lying either. I’ll tell you what I mean. When walking the spiritual path, one of the most important things is to not be discouraged if one falls down or “falls off the horse” as I like to say. It is a perfectly natural part of the process and if the meditation is going the way it is supposed to then it can happen easily. Why is this? Two things.

The purpose of meditation is to remove all craving and desire within the mind. Even staying on the “path” itself is a desire that can be removed through meditation. I believe this is where so many “spiritual” people have “gone wrong” in the past (not necessarily wrong per se) in that they reach a level where even their desire to “go beyond” is removed and they take this as the realization that they were seeking. They arrive at the realization to “just be” and they are happy with this. The desire to maintain a strict discipline is removed and slowly but surely, unless one knows what I am explaining above, they will fall back down into the trap of constant craving and desire, whether in this life or the next.

Many times over the past two and half years this has happened to me. It has never been a straight shot up. Coming from a highly-addicted background, it is easy for me to “fall back” into old habits; drinking, smoking, etc. It is more like a roller coaster going up and down until hopefully it continues up and breaks through the invisible stratosphere. I have not used any money from the expense account for my “fall back”. Furthermore, something inside of me has wanted to use the rest of the trivial personal money that I have left and only use “sadhu” money from now on. This would inherently make it impossible (as I refuse to use donated money for any form of intoxicant) to fall off the path again.

If something like this occurs to people attempting to walk the spiritual path it may be highly discouraging thinking that somehow they did something wrong or that their meditation was going incorrectly and this can bring them further down. This is not necessarily the case. How do we overcome this?  How do we move further when even the desires to “stay on the path” and maintain strict discipline are removed in meditation?

One, which is very important, don’t become discouraged. The second, keep your mind on the prize. Set your sight and aspiration on the true goal and no matter what you will always be pulled back onto the right course. Both the Buddha and Jesus (the two spiritual masters that I tend to believe in and listen to the most) mention many times that when coming to the end of the path, it helps to be alone and without the possibility of distraction. Although I am not in complete solitude, I am the most alone that I have been on an extended period since I began my spiritual journey. My mind is at ease, I am already back “on track”, and my meditation is extremely strong.

“Congratulations to those who are alone and chosen, for you will find the kingdom. For you have come from it, and you will return there again.” – Gospel of Thomas 49

The way I like to describe it is like this. Say I want to cross from Europe to the USA via sailboat over the ocean. Is all I can really do is set my sail and boat in the direction of the U.S., I can’t ask the wind to take me there faster. As long as I keep my aspiration set in the right direction nothing can stop me. A sailboat naturally must zig and zag to its destination and this is what has been occurring. My mind has not changed. I don’t want to go anywhere else besides to America. This determination of setting a goal of something “beyond” further strengthens my resolve and so much more so because I have had a little taste of what I am seeking.  The taste will forever linger until it is appeased and fully fulfilled again.

This can be seen as an advantage and disadvantage. Yes perhaps sometime I have craved the taste in the past, but I got over this hurdle quite a while back. Now it is more like a treasure map to where I want to go and it strengthens my resolve tremendously. Without it, the experience that I went through, I may have given up this journey along time ago. With it, I can never stop until I reach the shore. Only then can I paint the map for others. Until then it is like the blind leading the blind.

Now that that is out of the way, I would just like to say I am clean again for now, I’m in a spiritual paradise made for development and I plan on doing all that I can to cross the ocean of delusion. I would like to clarify my major spiritual goal though. If my goal was to only enlighten myself than that would be one thing, but this is not my aspiration. It is much more difficult to do what I’m trying to do, which is to discover what has been lost. What has been lost is what I call the perfect meditation; a meditation that can bring anyone across the ocean within a matter of days. I believe it exist and this is what I’m looking for. How? Through fully trusting my own abilities and intuition in meditation. How could it be found otherwise?

This is the reason that sadhus have existed for thousands of years. To find out what I’m seeking. This is why there have been millions upon millions of spiritual seekers that were taken care of by society throughout India and the surrounding countries since history has been recorded. The people knew such a “goal” existed, but they didn’t want to spend their whole lives looking for it, so they funded spiritual seekers to look for it for them. To this date, few have been successful and those that were did not accomplish the ultimate goal of humanity of universal enlightenment. I’m trying to find the Holy Grail. The lost knowledge. And when I find it I will share it openly and with everyone that would like to know. This is what you all, as readers and donors, are helping me to achieve. In essence we are doing it together, as we always have been.

Going back to the beginning of the post, “falling off the horse” has it’s advantages. One, certain realizations come when going up the ladder, and some come when falling down. Two, necessity is the mother of invention. When I start feeling like shit again, something I’m not used to when going up, my mediation tends to change more rapidly as I am trying to remove the impediments of what is causing me to fill like crap. I’m willing to try new things that I didn’t think of before or forgot about in the past. So, even though I was “falling down” the past few weeks, my meditation was proceeding in a very positive way. Now that I am sobering up, I can utilize what I learned or remembered during this time period. It is a very slippery slope that I tread on, but I have learned to walk the razor’s edge the past two and a half years. I am a master of coming up and down the slope.

Coming out of it, I am feeling more and more assured that everything is as it should be, perfectly crescendoing into something special. All the hallmarks are there. I built this blog as a way to share this journey, past, present, and future, with no secrets, and to build a foundation for if and when spiritual heights are obtained again. Surely, I feel, this has been done thus far and the blog is at perfect “readiness” status to do what it was made for, to teach what I learn along the way.

The Dogs

Sara and Pikolina playing.
Sara and Pikolina playing.

The dogs are absolutely spectacular. I seemed to have forgotten just how special a relationship we can have with dogs since I last was with them everyday back in the states. They are just so full of love, just wanting a little love in return. They constantly want to play and kiss me. There are so many sometimes I just have to lie on the ground and let them cover me trusting them to “play nice.”

Tina is quite rambunctious.
Tina is quite rambunctious.

Our walks on the beach and to the lagoon have been very special. The group of 11 that I am usually with are very well-behaved and they move about in totally silence unless they feel threatened. Since we are usually alone on the beach, they have no reason to bark. It feels like a I am becoming a member of their pack and that we are hunting for something but no one should make a sound to disturb what we are hunting for. Even the dogs don’t know, but it’s in their blood to act this way and I like being a part of it.


Above: Suerta (White), but I nicknamed him Bandit or White Bandit because of his eyes. And in the top picture is Blackie the magnificent.

I look forward to whatever is in store for me the next few months and continuing to share the journey with you all as readers. The karmic loop is in place; giving the dogs love in return for their own. This is surely the true way of karma, giving love without expectation which can perhaps be more easily accomplished with animals.

Sorry I don’t have more pictures to post at the moment as my Airdrop was not working.

What do I care if the water wets my clothes?

What do I care if the water wets my clothes?

It will only stay wet for a short time at most.

The waves vibrate with a ravenous jingle,

Pushed by the moon,

With the earth it does mingle.

Gravity pushes and pulls,

Up and down,

It holds the nose,

Upon the clown.

The waves pass under the sunset,

Everyday without reason or cause,

We walk down the beach,

Leaving only footprints and paws.

The trees grow where they may,

Without my command,

For nature is perfect in its ways,

No greed like in man.

If a meal is missed,

It will be found down the road.

Whoever heard of a starving fish?

Or a starving toad?

The birds find their food easily,

And the crows will even steal,

How can we judge a smart bird?

If this is how it finds a meal?

How I would love to be a bird,

Or a lion millennia ago.

Or a T-Rex.

No need for the nasty ego.

No conception of right or wrong.

Always perfectly in tune,

But they can’t conceive beyond,

Can’t see a blue moon.

What they see in front of their faces,

Is all that matters to them.

All of a sudden something happened,

And then came a wild spin.

A serious evolution occurred,

When our ancestors ate special food,

Mushrooms, fungus, and cacti.

Put them in a special mood.

Made em think maybe there is another way,

Another world.

And the aspiration set in.


Straight from dew.

With the sacred brew,

And the plant stew,

The brain grew.

And now we are here.

Expenses and Donations between July 25th and 29th:

I received two heavenly donations of $54.54 and $40 from two wonderful people to go towards the path. They have eased my mind a bit going from nigh nothing to something. And the first person who has donated twice! A new record! Haha thanks so much guys!


Food: $1

$1 + 187.67 = 188.67 divided by 14 days = $13.48 per day

$12.36 – $1 + $47.07 = $58.43 left

$58.43 / $13.48 = 4 days left


1150.80 divided by 100 days = $11.51 per day

$13.38 + $47.07 = $60.45

left  $60.45 / 11.51 = 5 days left


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This American Sadhu

Wandering traveler, writing a story, contemplating spiritual stuff, living austere, and helping random strangers... all rolled into ONE. What fun!

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